It appears you are oblivious to my subtle hints.  You barely noticed, when I very nearly swooned over the wine gift basket door prize at the Star Trek New Frontiers convention a few months ago.  Nor do you ever even glance at the numerous wine catalogs and magazines I have laying around.  Do you care that all the little note cards I send you, all the sticky notes I leave for you have a wine theme? No, you don’t.  So I’m going to make it easy for you, here are five rock-solid, perfectly stellar reasons to buy me a wine gift basket.

For the Occasion

It’s my birthday or it could be.  I will make an exception and age another year tomorrow if only I could see a fine wicker wine and cheese gift basket and symbols of your affection for me.  Did I say cheese?  Maybe cheese is too much for a birthday – but it would make a grand Christmas gift. And just for the record, I’m not opposed to putting up the tree today and digging out the Christmas CDs.

It is a national holiday in Seychelles and the very least we could do is raise awareness for this tiny African nation.  It’s my understanding that wine gift baskets are a national tradition in Seychelles, or if not now, certainly could be very soon.  It is your duty as a world citizen to send me a wine basket in honor of this great but tiny nation.

For the Relationship

You are very sorry for being such a jerk the other day. I am not sure if I want to forgive you just yet. To prove just how sorry you are, you want me to have a lovely bottle of Huckleberry Reisling nested sweetly in a fine basket with linen napkins and crystal wine glasses.

You’ve had enough of my simpering and nagging.  This relationship just isn’t cutting it for you anymore. But you are a classy guy, you like to leave your women with warm memories and nothing takes the sting out of a breakup, like a large, fancy, wine gift basket. 

The Ultimate Reason

Because I told you to – that should be reason enough.  You can pretend it is your idea, whatever it takes. I’m such an idiot, I just realized I’ve never sent you a wine gift basket.  One is its way to you right now.  You get to guess the reason.